Personality Flaw

Tonight, I had one of those moments during which, for a split-second, you can step outside yourself and take a look at what the people around you are staring at. I was playing a board-game at a birthday party. And I was getting way too into it. All of a sudden my wife looks at me from across the room and says something like 'take it easy.' This only annoyed me at the time, but after -right after- I looked around and saw the expressions on most people's faces saying similar things: 'Please don't hit me,' I'm pretty sure one's said. 'You're such a retard,' Maxx's said. 'Isn't this supposed to be fun? I'm getting scared. You're a psycho. I'm going outside. Take It Easy.'

I'm competitive. I remember my sisters being terrified of me when I was playing nintendo and I ran that little red plumber off the edge into the bottomless pit, or that stupid little puppy dog stuck his head out from the bushes to giggle when I missed the ducks. I just wanted to chuck my controller through the TV. Sometimes I tried. I remember breaking my hockey stick across my best friend's back, because he had been slashing my shins... during a recess hockey game. I'm pretty sure my wrist is still swollen from when I punched the stage during a basketball game at Luther High School. Thinking about it now, I'm embarrassed. Every time I do think of these things, I shake my head and say to myself, "I'm so glad you're not like that now."

I am like that now. At the party, we watched the hockey game. My favorite team, the Chicago Blackhawks, were playing. They're the heavy favorites and should win the final. But they were playing lousy. They let in three crap goals and looked like they were nowhere near as good as the Flyers. Anyway... others were cheering against them, nothing was going there way, they were going to lose the second game in a row, And I was having a hard time not standing up and ripping my Blackhawks T-shirt off and screaming all kinds of crazy things. I don't even know what I would have said, so I'm glad there were people there I felt I couldn't exactly show that side of myself to. Anyway, the game ended. There's always next game, so I calmed down pretty quick.

They bust the board-games out. My memory is so short, I don't even think about how riled up I had been ten minutes earlier and I think to myself, "This is going to be a friggen blast." And it was a blast. No matter how worked up I get or seem during boardgames, I'm always having fun. Of course I want to win, but it's fun for me even if I'm not. Even if I glare a hole through the wall.

The only thing is... Everyone else is afraid of me. My wife reminds me of this after every game session. And I try to explain that I'm having fun even when I'm being competitive, but she said tonight, "You might feel like you're having fun. But nobody else would believe it. When you're yelling or trying to make a point, you seem scary."

She's right and that sucks. I can see it on people's faces and I want ever so badly to be that guy sitting on the side, sipping some tea and saying 'oh, great job' to everyone on the other teams, but it takes every ounce of self-control I have to sit back in my chair and force myself to relax. If I lose focus for a second, my face turns green and I think a horn starts growing out of my forehead. It doesn't take long for me to lose focus.

I'm not sure what the point of this blog is really. I'm afraid it's not as funny or as clever as some, but I knew I had to write something down, or I'd think about it all night.

I like boardgames. I like watching hockey. I love winning. I hate losing. But if you've ever beat me at something -cards, nintendo, a Provincial Championship Basketball game, anything- and I've seemed angry and you thought maybe I was going to hit you, you should know that I've never done anything like that. I don't even think about that stuff. It's impossible to describe, but I'm not mad at any single person. I'm just frustrated. But I have forgotten about all of it within 10 minutes of finishing.

So don't worry. Don't feel like you have to let me win or you shouldn't play games with me. I'm gonna try my best to 'take it easy' while I play. But if you see a vein popping or if I pick up the coffee table and slam it over my head, don't take it personally. It's just a major personality flaw I'm working on.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry Megan for ruining the game.