The Epiphany

Today's Weight: 206 lbs

Goal Weight: 175 lbs

October 11th, I turned 25. The problem with you're 25th birthday is that you're turning 25. I know you're not 'old', but there's no excuses after 25. The frontal lobe of your brain is fully developed, so you should be able to reason just fine. There are no more excuses. You should have things figured out.

To the outsider looking in on my life, I may look to have it all together. I have:

1. A beautiful wife, Name: Chelsee
2. A perfect little boy, Name: Derby Blue
3. A house
4. Two cars
5. A job that pays enough to live comfortably enough

However, since high school I have gained almost seventy pounds. I remember Christmas day during my Senior year of high school, somebody got a new scale, one of my sisters probably. Who knows why anyone would want one, but I took it up to the bathroom, and I weighed myself: 145 lbs, the beautiful little blue numbers blinked brightly. I was the man. I hopped off the little scale, stood in front of the mirror, and flexed my teenaged muscles all over the place.

Today, though, if I were to do the same, the blue numbers would blink 206 lbs, and the mirror would not see any muscles flexed; it would see a beer belly desperately trying to pull itself back in line with its long lost friends, my ribs.

Since high school I have become an angry old man. Not the angry old man that hobbles down the road with his cane, spitting at on-coming pedestrians and smoking the butts of cigarettes scattered around the bus stops, but the angry old man that grumbles under his breath when his Big Mac takes more than 3.5 minutes to appear at the window. The angry old man that sticks up his middle finger when someone honks at him for cutting them off. The angry old man that checks his watch every 2.3 minutes from the time he places his order at Pizza Hut to the time the waiter sets his Pepperoni and Bacon in front of him. The angry old man that yells at those young punks who yell and scream in a drunken stupor at a football game. The angry old man who gets pissed off when someone puts ice in his Coca-Cola or if they don't put enough sugar in his coffee at Starbucks. The angry old man who has rules for when people borrow his books: Don't dog-ear the pages. Don't set it face down to keep your page. Don't mark it in anyway. Have it back in three weeks. I snore, I talk to myself, and I think I'm getting arthritis in my thumbs. Needless to say, I'm an old Bag... at 25.

Of course, every now and then, I can have a good time. I watch football with the boys or have a game of golf a few times a summer. My wife and I get a sitter and go to the movies semi-frequently.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm 25, and I'm starting to feel like my life is on the decline. If the hill is my life then I've arrived at the top, spent nearly no time there at all, and I've decided to take a running start on the way down. In the past week, my wife has asked me, "Why is our life so boring? What do other people do to make sex more fun? Are we going to anything fun today? I wish we had more friends that we could go out with." The last one isn't a question, but she's telling me, over and over again that our life is boring, almost every aspect of it.

So, I've decided to do something about it. I am going on a diet. I am going to buy a book of sex positions. I am going to try something new this weekend; I don't know what that is yet, but I'm going to think of something. By my 26th birthday, I am going to be hot, skinny, young and adventurous; people won't recognize me. I'm gonna jaywalk and I'm gonna do donuts in my car. I'm going to drink more and go to more parties. I'm going to introduce myself to new people and talk to strangers on the bus. My kid is going to think I'm the greatest Dad in the world. "My dad is cooler than your dad" is all he's going to say. My wife will not be bored, she'll be begging me to relax. When I have reached my goal weight, I am going to buy a new suit, a young suit with pin stripes and a form-fitting vest, and I am going to take my wife out somewhere we've never gone, some place expensive.

AND I'm going to blog about all of it, Every day.

I only hope someone out there, will enjoy my adventure as much as I know I'm going to. Thanks for following!